Jill had just smiled sphynx-like, not denying it, but adding that she wanted to make the most of the kids being back.As I laid out a just-about-decent-enough white blouse with matching red bra, underwear and heels, I wondered how her willpower would survive eight hours of office temptation.As soon as she emerged wrapped in her long white bath towel, Jill spotted my game, and just for a moment, I worried she might be mad at me. But instead, her smile was even-tempered and calm. “I told you, honey, I want to see as much of John and the girls as I can before they head back.”But my hope stayed alive as Jill didn’t make any moves to change the clothes laid out for something more conservative. Instead, she avoided making eye-contact as she scooped her big boobs into the waiting red lacy cups and wriggled into the tight black skirt I’d chosen for her first trip of 2018 back into the lion’s den.As Jill finally left for work, she gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek rather than our normal kiss.. It wasn’t until my second miscarriage that I noticed how relieved Harry seemed. If he felt a tinge of loss at all, he never showed it. I cried in a way I hadn’t since then, big, heaving sobs which shook my body. I kept quiet though, afraid Nate would hear me. This was my own private grief, and it wasn’t one I was ready to share, even with him. A cold, wet nose settled against my hand where it lay wrapped around my waist. I looked up through my tears to find Esther’s brown eyes watching me in the firelight. She rested her soft head against my arm in silent companionship. I wrapped my arms around her warm, solid body. ‘Were you ever a mother?’ I cried into her silken fur. ‘Did you ever have sweet little golden puppies? Or did they take that choice away from you?’ Esther breathed a sigh of understanding and rested her chin on my shoulder. ‘I never really had the choice,’ I explained to her. ‘I want to be a mother so badly and I don’t know if I ever will, if I even can. It hurts so much.
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